The Doctor and the Chocolate Factory
by canadianstuck
Summary: The Doctor decides to take a vacation and opens a Chocolate Factory under the name Willy Wonka. It's all fun and games until a Weeping Angel is brought onsite by mistake.


The Doctor was bored. He had been ever since Amy and Rory left. The Universe just wasn't as fun if there was no one to show it to.  
On a whim, he decided to head to Earth again, something he hadn't done in months. Maybe there would be something to do there. He set the coordinates and waited. After the usual vworping sounds and clattering about, the TARDIS landed, hard. "Let's see then, eh?" the Doctor asked no one in particular.  
Outside, there was little to see. It appeared to be a ghost town, how old he couldn't tell, a few ramshackle buildings surrounding a massive concrete structure, a factory of some kind. Gravel crunched beneath his feet as he stepped out, puffs of dust curling up from his footsteps.  
The only building that still seemed structurally sound was the abandoned factory, so it was here that the Doctor walked to. Random chunks of bricks and mortar supplanted the concrete at times, chimneys rising at every conceivable odd angle. A few small windows, all barred, were set in the high walls. The Doctor was beginning to wonder if it was a factory at all or some kind of insane asylum.  
Finding an old door, held shut with rust, the Doctor paused. This would be the moment of going ahead without a companion, the first time in years he'd had an Earth adventure without someone by his side. Taking a deep breath, he pulled out his screwdriver and unlocked the door.  
Inside, motes of dust floated lazily in sunbeams. Rusted out hulks of machinery dotted the rooms at apparently random intervals. The odd hallway that went nowhere or the strange door that was only three feet high were all reason for question, but there was no answers to be found.  
The next room was the strangest of all. Easily the largest in the entire building, the sprinkler system had been leaking, apparently for years, and carved a sort of river bed out of the concrete, a drizzle of brownish water trickling along the bottom.  
The Doctor walked into the next hallway, thinking about everything he'd seen so far. An idea was lurking in the back of his brain, taking shape with every step he took. Absentmindedly, he pushed open the nearest door. It opened to reveal an office with a large window, one of the few without bars. More interesting, however, was the coat that hung on the coatrack. It was dusty and purple, faded from sitting in sunlight for years.  
Reaching out, the Doctor brushed the cost with a finger. It was soft, supple almost. With cautious, slow movements, he took his own jacket off, hanging it beside the coat. Gently, he took the purple coat and slid it on. The fabric fell to mid-thigh, and when buttoned, it fit like it had been tailor made for him. There was a bit of wear on the elbows and cuffs, signs that he was not the first to wear this particular coat.  
Sitting at the desk, the only piece of furniture in the room, the Doctor came to a decision.  
He needed a vacation.  
A long vacation.  
And the best food to vacation with was chocolate.  
There was only one problem. John Smith was a very boring name for a man who owned a chocolate factory.

***

The changes were small at first. A fence went up around the entire ghost town, the old buildings were dismantled, the TARDIS was moved into its own private room in the factory. People in the neighboring city began to talk about the eccentric millionaire who'd purchased the land. He'd never been seen, but the checks that arrived at the bank were signed with the name Willy Wonka. No one could dig anything up on the man. He had all the proper papers, but he had no history. There was nothing on him anywhere.  
When the gravel was cleared away and grass and trees planted, people started taking trips out to the countryside to look at the mysterious factory. They commented on the odd flowers, the winding paths, the purple paint now covering the brick and concrete. Over the course of a month, the entire thing had been changed from a ghost town into a lush park that surrounded a purple factory. Rumours flew of what was to be produced, although no two accounts seemed to agree.  
This was all well and good and entirely delightful in the Doctor's opinion, but he had one small problem facing him. The silver machines he had designed and created were silent, waiting for workers to push buttons and twist dials. People wouldn't be able to do it. They were much to imprecise for something like chocolate. Thus, workers of an entirely different nature had to be procured.  
Boarding the TARDIS, he drummed his fingers against the console. Cocoa beans were about all he had left to pay workers with. The money from the odd jobs he'd put in bank accounts hundreds of years ago had paid for the factory and the land, but that was as far as it stretched.  
He had met thousands of species in his lifetime. This shouldn't be too hard to figure out.  
"Oh!" he yelled as he hit on an idea. Yanking a lever, the TARDIS took off. Moments later, it landed in a thick patch of jungle.  
After an hour of walking and the fighting off of several Vernicious Knids, he arrived at the main village of the Oompa Loompas. They were a small people, and they devoted their lives to finding cocoa beans. All the Doctor had to do was promise them chocolate and safety from the Knids and they scrambled aboard the TARDIS. Once back at the factory, they feel easily into the rhythm of working, singing as they did so.  
Yes, thought the Doctor, they were perfect.

***

One week after the arrival of the Oompa Loompas, the factory began to produce chocolate bars in every possible whimsical flavor, many from other planets. Multicolored smoke rose from the chimneys, and the chocolate bars appeared in shops around the world.  
To the curiosity of the general public, however, the gates of that massive factory never opened, not even for delivery trucks. Once in a while a landscaper would arrive and trim a bush or mow the grass, but even he never used the gate. People would pause as they walked past, staring with wonder at the new creation, before running to the nearest corner store for a bar of chocolate, which was sold for nearly nothing so that every child could afford to buy one.  
All in all, the Doctor was pleased. This vacation was turning into a brilliant idea.

***

Several weeks later, the Doctor released an announcement. Willy Wonka would be giving a fifteen minute interview three days from now. Journalists from all over the world were invited to attend, and many of them scrambled to book flights and hotels.  
To get ready for the event, the Doctor hired a pair of landscapers, asking them to fix up the grounds a bit. The day before the interview, they trimmed hedges, mowed lawns, and moved in statuary of various types.  
In one dim corner, near a shadowy grove of trees, they placed one particular statue. It was of beautiful make, every curve smooth and worn. Certainly, it looked old, but its condition was very good. No one seemed to know where it came from, though it was reminiscent of a graveyard.  
Nevertheless, the statue was marvelous to look at, though the landscapers mused at length on what an angel could possibly have to cry about.

***

The day of the interview dawned brightly, though clouds that promised rain were rolling in on the horizon. Media personages of all types assembled at the gate, cameras and microphones ready. They pushed and shoved at each other to get the best view, to be closest to the gate.  
When the door to the factory opened, a faintly electric whisper raced through the group. It was hard to tell from this distance, but a man in a purple coat appeared to be standing in the doorway. In a leisurely manner, he strolled down to the gate.  
"Friends, Romans, countrymen-wait. Wrong speech." The Doctor grinned apologetically. "I gave that one a few hundred years back."  
There was a smattering of nervous laughter from the journalists. Clearly, Willy Wonka was an eccentric individual. "Mr. Wonka," someone asked nervously, "why did you decide to open a chocolate factory?"  
"Simple. I like chocolate. Chocolate is cool."  
The scratch of pencils on notepads could be heard as his answer was copied down for newspapers around the world. "Why all the secrecy?" someone else asked.  
"It's for my workers. They're uncomfortable with people. And Vermicious Knids."  
"Vermicious Knids?"  
"Knids that are Vermicious."  
More scratching. After a few more questions, each answered strangely, the Doctor held up his hands, calling for quiet. It came almost instantly. "I invited you here today," he began, "for one very simple reason. My marvelous chocolate factory will be opened to several very special people for one day, and one day only. All they have to do is find a golden ticket in their chocolate bar."  
There was an instant of silence, followed by the incessant noise of three or four dozen people all shouting questions simultaneously. The Doctor grinned, pleased with himself, and strode back to the factory, adding a skip or a hop every now and again.

***

It seemed that by the time the promised rainstorm began, the world knew of the contest. People flocked in droves to corner stores and supermarkets, buying all the chocolate they could. Rain drenched long lineups of people outside of shops, rolling off of black umbrellas and blue coats.  
In the dim shadows of the grounds, rain fell on the outstretched limbs of trees and statues alike, adding a strangely whimsical touch to an already whimsical factory.  
One thing had changed, however. The angel was holding its arms out, almost like it could feel the rain. A raindrop struck its tapered cheek and rolled down, looking for all the world like a tear dripping from the unseeing stone eyes of the statue.

***

At the appointed time three days later, a crowd had surrounded the gate. Five people stood in the front, ranging from a young boy to teenagers to an old man. They each were dressed as best they could manage, wearing freshly polished shoes and neatly pressed shirts. As they waited, they tended to shift their weight from foot to foot, unsure of what, exactly, they were about to see. It promised to be spectacular, whatever it was.  
At ten o'clock precisely, the gate swung open without a sound. The small group hesitated for a moment before walking through. There was a certain sense of finality about stepping through those gates, although none of them could pinpoint way that was. In the end, it was the old man who stepped forward first. His name was Adrian, and he had lived through enough wars to push aside any feelings of fate. As the boys used to say, if your number was up, that was it, but you may as well fight until then.  
Seeing this, the other four walked in a few steps behind Adrian. As soon as they were past the radius of the gate, it swung shut, cutting off the eager crowd that was awaiting the entrance of the elusive Willy Wonka.  
They didn't have to wait long.  
The Doctor came strolling out of the factory, wearing his adopted purple coat and a red bowtie. Waving merrily to the guests, he grinned. "Is everyone ready?" he asked, eyes passing over each individual. He did a slight double take as he recognized an old friend amongst the group, but the rest of them didn't seem to notice.  
Captain Jack Harkness, on the other hand, winked and smiled as innocently as he could manage.  
Recovering his composure, the Doctor gestured to the still open door of the factory. "Welcome! Welcome to Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory!" Without another word, he turned and walked back into the building. The five guests followed eagerly, waiting for whatever was in store.

***

As the crowd outside drifted away, it happened that no one could see little grove where the statue of the angel was usually located.  
Indeed, if anyone had seen it, they would have noticed one very peculiar thing.  
The angel was no longer there.

***

"And this," the Doctor said, throwing his arms wide, "is the room where the chocolate is melted and mixed." The little group was standing in the massive room the Doctor had first found. He'd removed the sprinklers and evened out the chiseled river bed so he could use it to transport chocolate to the rest of the factory. The result was a veritable river of chocolate, which in its turn nourished a candy garden. "Go on then, have a nibble," he invited.  
With much less of the earlier hesitation, the group dispersed, trying delicate bites at first, but steadily feeling more at ease and trying everything.  
Jack stayed behind. The Doctor raise an eyebrow. "And what are you doing here? I thought you were helping out at Torchwood."  
"Oh come on," replied Jack with a grin. "A mysterious chocolate factory, workers that no one has ever seen, a mysterious mad man with a purple coat-not quite as good as a mad mad with a blue box, I'll admit-and you expect me not to guess it's you?"  
"Yes! No! I don't know!"  
"Calm down. I just wanted a look, say hi, catch up." Jack shrugged and went off to wander with the others, stopping to talk to a particularly pretty girl of about twenty by the name of Katherine.  
After a few minutes, the Doctor called for a boat. It arrived, rowed by Oompa Loompas, shortly afterwards. "All aboard!" he called to the visitors. With a few last sighs and pocketed treats, the group made their way back to the boat.  
As they sailed off down a tunnel, the little boy raised his hand. "Yes?" the Doctor asked.  
"Mr. Wonka sir," the boy-his name was Charlie-began hesitantly, "why was there a statue in the garden? You couldn't eat it, I don't think, but you could eat everything else."  
The Doctor frowned. "What sort of statue?"  
"Just a statue. I didn't really get a chance to see."  
"Probably just something the Oompa Loompas put there then," said the Doctor with a grin, deciding it was likely nothing.

As they ship disappeared from sight, the Oompa Loompas left in the room looked up and began to gather together. Leaning on shovels and other implements that were of use to them, they began to hum.

A few moments later, they began to sing, quietly at first, but building as they went.

_Look out, Beware! Look out, Beware!_

_More danger than a barber chair!_

_Look out, Beware!_

_So stiff and cold_

_With stony feathers that unfold_

"_Come on!" we cry, "The time is ripe,_

_To warn you of the Lonely Night!"_

_Dear children, you should be alarmed_

_Even though you cannot be harmed_

_Even though you cannot be harmed_

_Although of course, we must admit_

_Things may be altered quite a bit_

_Slowly, stone hands reach out to touch_

_Although it wouldn't hurt too much_

_A little touch, a moment more_

_And then they're absolutely sure_

_You look around and now by grace!_

_A miracle has taken place!_

_A miracle has taken place!_

_The familiar world you know_

_Is replaced by that of Van Gogh_

_And time you see has been reversed_

_And to the past you have traversed!_

All in all, the Doctor thought the tour was going very well. Jack was being good about keeping quiet, though he was flirting with anyone and everyone, with the exception of Charlie. He was looking around, fascinated with everything, but particularly with Adrian, who told the boy stories of how things were when he was a boy. The two girls were chatting merrily, discussing everything from Jack to the Oompa Loompas. The Doctor was trading comments with everyone as he felt necessary, joining in the general festivities.

The next room they stopped in was full of strange equipment, and dozens of Oompa Loompas at work on strange creations. "This," the Doctor announced, "is the inventing room. Everything new is Earthified here." He paused. "Earthified. That's a good one. I should keep that one for later." Fortunately, the room was too interesting for most of the guests to be paying attention. One of the girls, by the name of Valentina, shot him a curious look, but he didn't notice.

As they explored the room, poking and prodding at various things, the group chatted about what they were seeing. "It's downright impossible," Adrian whispered to Jack at one point.

Jack just smiled. "Trust me. If I know anything about the Do—Mister Wonka, this is just the beginning."

Just then, Charlie walked over to the Doctor and tugged on his sleeve. "Excuse me, Mister Wonka, sir?" he said.

"Yes?"

"What happened to Katherine?"

"She's just over…" the Doctor began, trailing off. Indeed, the girl was nowhere to be seen. "Well that's… odd," he muttered.

Jack came up behind him. "Trouble?"

"I'm not sure yet," the Doctor confessed. Discretely, he pulled out his sonic and set it to setting 1834-F. Flicking it on, he glanced down at the display. Snapping it shut, he slid it in his pocket. "Not picking up anything on the sonic," he murmured.

"Maybe she just moved on to the next room and didn't tell us," Jack suggested. He didn't sound entirely convinced.

"Maybe." The Doctor clapped his hands for attention. "Alright folks, we're moving on to the next room! Ask the Oompa Loompas for a sample as you go by!"

One by one, the group filed out into the hallway, getting back on the waiting boat.

In a scene eerily similar to the previous leaving, the Oompa Loompas gathered in silence until the visitors were out of earshot. Then, as before, they began to sing.

_Listen well, listen hard, the tale of Miss Katherine Sward_

_The lovely girl who thought all was right_

_With a statue hiding eyes so bright_

_Hiding, hiding eyes so bright_

_Hiding, hiding eyes so bright_

_Hiding, hiding eyes so bright_

_It goes on hiding, till at last, _

_The girl blinks once, very fast_

_And a hand stretches out_

_The statue's moved, there's no doubt_

_Hiding, hiding eyes so bright_

_Hiding, hiding eyes so bright_

_Hiding, hiding eyes so bright_

_The seconds stretch out oh so long_

_As Katherine tries hard to prolong_

_Till at last she closes her eyes_

_When they open, what a surprise!_

_She's been sent back to the past_

_To live her life out to the last_

_Hiding, hiding eyes so bright_

_Hiding, hiding eyes so bright_

_Hiding, hiding eyes so bright!_

"Doctor, something's going on," Jack whispered as they sailed. "Girls don't just disappear without a trace. You of all people know that."

"I know, I know," the Doctor whispered back. "Something's up. I don't know what though."

Charlie glanced up at the two men. "Where are we going next, sir?"

"To see where I make bars with nuts," the Doctor said, smiling, all trace of worry instantly gone. It wouldn't do to let anyone else know he was unsure of what was happening. When he had an idea, he could tell them, but causing panic without a solution was not a good option at this point in time.

The boat pulled up outside a room full of squirrels shelling nuts. Well, to be perfectly correct, they weren't squirrels, rather they were small aliens from a planet in the vicinity of the Pleiades, but they looked like over-large squirrels.

"Scuse me, Mister Wonka, but isn't that the statue that was outside?" Valentina asked.

All eyes were drawn to where she was looking.

"Oh," was all the Doctor managed to say.

Jack glanced at him. "Doctor, is that…?"

"I'm afraid it is, yes."

"Damn," was all Jack managed to say.

"Yeah."

Adrian, quite forgotten until now, cleared his throat. "Pardon me, but what's going on?"

The Doctor pointed at the stone angel that was covering its face not fifteen feet from them. "Don't blink. If you blink, it moves, fast, faster than you think is possible, and when it touches you, it send you back to the past, and that's where you live your life and die."

"And that's what happens if we blink." Adrian paused. "So if we all turn our backs and run…"

"Yes," the Doctor said, answering the unasked question.'

"Well then. It seems to me someone will need to stay and watch it while the others make their escape."

The Doctor shot the old man a sharp look before returning his gaze to the angel. Luckily, no one else had looked away, so it was still in the same place. "No. Do _not_ make me do that." It was too much, just like Amy and Rory all over again, too soon.

"It seems," Adrian said slowly, "that you have no choice. I have fought wars, Mister Wonka, and I am not afraid of dying. What could this thing send me to that I have not already seen?"

"He has a point," Jack said.

"You can't die!" the Doctor yelled, "So you don't have to worry about living to death!"

"The rest of them do!"

There was something of a stalemate. The Doctor knew they were right, knew what he should do, but that didn't mean he wanted to. There had to be another way to do this, another way to work something out.

Maybe there would have been too, except there was no time to think.

"On the count of three then. I'll look for as long as I can. Buy you all some time. You owe it to the girl and to the little lad," Adrian said, in a tone that had no room for argument.

The Doctor growled in frustration before turning to the others. "Go! That way! Run!" He turned back to Adrian, trusting Jack to lead the others to somewhere a little safer. "Thank you," he murmured. "And I am so, so sorry. But thank you. I will never forget this."

"Run now, Mister Wonka. You lead them all to safety."

"I will," the Doctor managed before turning and running, cursing to himself all the way.

When the hallway stood silent and empty, a group of Oompa Loompas appeared from the depths of the factory, looking out towards where the Doctor and the visitors had run off. A moment later, the strains of their song floated down the hall.

_Adrian Salt, the noble man_

_Has sacrificed himself as a plan_

_To buy his friends a bit of time_

_Perhaps enough to save their lives_

_Perhaps enough to save their lives_

_Perhaps enough to save their lives_

_A little boy, for example, here_

_Might just survive another year_

_A man who really cannot die_

_And a girl who is their ally_

_And other people here as well_

_Pleased to have a tale to tell_

_Tale to tell_

_These are people he leaves behind_

_But he will never leave their mind_

_These are people he leaves behind_

_The ones he saved_

_And left to live_

_Have only their thanks to give_

_But he will hear them from the past_

_Until he sighs and breathes his last_

"In here," the Doctor said, ushering them into a small room. "Everyone stare at the door. Don't blink, if you can help it. Just don't. We'll see if we can't think of something. I've lost two of you. No one else dies today."

"I thought you said they didn't die," Valentina said quietly.

"They live to death. It's complicated."

There was a thud against the door. "That's it!" yelled the Doctor. "No one look away!"

Valentina and Charlie both nodded, although Jack just stared at the door, a thoughtful expression on his face. "Doctor," he said after a moment, "do you remember when we met?"

"Are you my mummy?"

Charlie and Valentina shared a look. Clearly they were running with a mad man. Jack was anything but Wonka's mummy. This would be interesting then. Escaping living to death—which sounded crazy in the first place—with a madman and someone who was being mistaken as his mummy.

"Yeah, exactly!" Jack said, not noticing the look the two guests shared.

"What about it?"

"Do you still carry a banana?"

The Doctor grinned. "I always take a banana to a party!"

"Right, and this is a party."

Another thud at the door distracted the Doctor. "Wait, why are we talking about bananas?"

"Because you replaced the blaster plant with a banana grove!"

"Are we really bringing this up now?"

Jack nodded enthusiastically. "Don't you see?"

The Doctor stared at him. "No. No, not really."

"If you have a banana, you can sonic it and make it stickier and hold the door shut for an extra second!"

A loud thud sounded again.

"Mister Wonka…?" Charlie asked.

"Call me the Doctor! It's the right name!"

Charlie didn't have an answer.

The Doctor turned back to Jack. "You think that will work?"

"Do you remember what I said when I first found out it was a screwdriver?"

"Who looks at something at thinks 'oh, this could be a little more sonic!'"

"Right," Jack said. "Now, I'm thinking a banana could be a little more sonic! Will you just try it?!"

"Alright, alright!" The Doctor pulled a banana from his pocket and mashed it against the door. He pointed the sonic at it and tried a few different settings, until at last he found one that changed some of the molecules in the banana, making a glue of sorts. The next thud rattled the door, although it didn't shake quiet as much. At least, it didn't appear to shake quite as much.

"Doctor…" Valentina said in a warning tone, blinking quickly before going back to staring at the door.

"Thinking, thinking!"

The Doctor walked around, rubbing his eyes. "Come on, come on, come on! There has to be something we can do!"

"Doctor…" Charlie said.

"I'm thinking!"

"But Doctor…"

"In a minute!"

"Doctor…"

The Doctor spun around. "What?!"

Charlie blinked as the door shuddered again. "I know what to do!"

The Doctor stopped short. Jack and Valentina both turned to look at him. The door shuddered again. Everyone turned to look at it again, momentary lapse increasing the nervousness of the room. "What then? You've got a plan?"

Charlie fished in his pocket, pulling out a small lizard.

It was Jack who gave voice to the thoughts everyone was thinking. "You're going to save us. With a lizard?"

"Your plan was to save us with a banana," Charlie pointed out.

Jack blinked. "Fair point."

"That's all well and good," Valentina said, "but please explain how the lizard is going to save us."

"His name is Bob." Charlie paused, a little nervous from all the attention suddenly focused on him. "He's a salamander. Salamanders don't have eyelids."

"So?" Jack said, running out of patience.

The Doctor held up a finger. "If it doesn't have eyelids… then it can't blink! Oh, that is brilliant!"

The door shuddered again. "Quick," the Doctor said, "will Bob sit?"

"Yessir. I've been training him."

There was a single small table in the center of the room. Charlie put Bob down facing the door. Quickly, the Doctor pulled out his sonic and fiddled a few switches. Bob twitched and was suddenly still.

"There we go. Just froze his cells. He won't die. He'll never move again, but he's technically alive, so the Angel will be stopped! Am I good, or am I good?" he yelled.

The door shuddered again, cracking.

Valentina gave it a suspicious look. "Hopefully, you're good."

The door cracked further. "Yeah, hopefully," Jack added with a wink.

All at once, the door splintered open. Almost at once, the inhabitants of the room flinched, inadvertently blinking.

All except Bob. He stared, unblinking, as he really had no choice.

As one, the group looked at the Angel. It had one hand stretched out, mouth open, stone fangs gleaming with a dull light.

Bob stared at it.

The Angel didn't move.

Bob didn't move.

Everyone else filed out of the room.

When the Doctor turned around to check, Bob hadn't moved.

Neither had the Angel.

Just before he climbed in the TARDIS, the Doctor nodded at the three survivors. "Right then. Jack, I'll see you around. Val, lovely meeting you, do come for an adventure sometime. Charlie, seeing as your salamander saved the factory, the factory is yours. Is that everything?"

No one said anything.

"Right then. Geronimo!"

As the TARDIS disappeared, Jack shrugged. "Yeah. He does that."

The factory aged, but continued providing chocolate to everyone. Guests still weren't allowed into the factory, but they didn't much mind.

The Angel never moved, although Charlie went to check once a year, on the anniversary of that fateful tour. Jack would come to visit once in a while, as did Val, though they always entered through a back way, never to be seen by another person who would stop and watch the whimsical factory with a hint of longing.

And once in a rare while, a certain curious sound could be heard echoing around the grounds, and Charlie would smile, because it meant Willy Wonka had come back to visit.


End file.
